So I had a doctors appt. today and I was on an extremely crowded downtown #2 train and when it was time to get off the train, the most horrible thing happened… The announcement for the next stop came on and an older woman with a cane starts to get up to exit and some younger corporate type chick knocks her back down into her seat to get to the door and there were GASPS all throughout the train BUT that didn’t last long b/c the old lady started calling the woman all types of names and swinging her cane at the woman as the train came to a stop… people had to duck and started yelling at the old lady b/c it was way too crowded for her to be garnishing weapons… I decided that all to often, mishaps happen on the train and I just needed to share my experiences with you

Reason #1…
Because today I sat across from a man who was singing along to his Ipod… LOUDLY, BADLY… sounding like a dying CAT who should have been shot and put out of his misery… EVERYONE else on the train ignored him, but I just laughed DEAD IN HIS FACE from 110th street to 72nd… I COULDN’T HELP IT! It was like the first week of American Idol where people WHO REALLY AND TRULY believe they have talent embarrass themselves and their friends by singing on THE OUTSIDE OF THEIR SHOWER… I mean seriously… IT TOOK ME LIKE A MINUTE to figure out what song he JUST KILLED… I’m still getting the chills…

Reason #2…
Because I was on the 2 train headed downtown during rush hour when this man and woman BUM-RUSHED the last three available seats and when another woman TRIED TO REST HER TIRED FEET by sitting next to them, the first lady told her, “Now YOU KNOW your butt isn’t going to fit in this seat!” and then these TWO GROWN ASS WOMEN started yelling and threatening each other…! I mean they had to be HELD BACK from one another… Keep in mind, THIS IS A CROWDED NUMBER 2 EXPRESS TRAIN DURING RUSH HOUR… Which means we were packed in like sardines…. I’ve never seen people SHIFT to one side of a train like that… EVER… and while people were making their way away from the ensuing fight, MY NOSEY ASS was working her way towards it TO GET A GOOD VIEW OF THE SMACKDOWN…

Reason #3…
Because I watched a homeless man get CURSED out and thought to myself, “NOW HE DESERVED THAT ONE.” I mean, don’t send me to hell quite yet… let me explain what happened… I was on the A train from 59th to 125th street and I was sitting across from this woman WHO WAS KNOCKED out… I mean she was done and SHE WASN’T A PRETTY SLEEPER… and she was HUNCHED over a bit, kinda LEANING into the isle… The train car was FAIRLY EMPTY when the HOMELESS MAN came in and he said his speech about being homeless and hungry and most PANHANDLERS go through and shake their cup or look you dead in your face and ask for money, BUT NOT THIS DUDE! He actually got down in front of you, ON HIS KNEES and basically GOT ALL UP ON YOU to get that money… SO I think most people gave him money to get him to back up… so when he kneeled down in front of the hunched over sleeping woman, I thought to myself, ‘THIS IS GOING TO BE UGLY!!!’ I mean, HE WAS EYE-LEVEL with her and was mumbling at her and basically in her lap so when she WOKE UP AND OPENED HER EYES, he was STARING DEAD IN HER FACE and she FLIPPED…. I mean she said just about every curse word in the book and then push up off of him when she jumped up and THATS WHEN I THOUGHT TO MYSELF, “He deserved that one.”

Reason #4…
Because I was on the 3 train heading home with a moderately packed train and THIS OLD MAN came in and said he was homeless and hungry and HIS SPEECH WAS SO COMPELLING that when he went through the car to collect his money, he had to have gotten AT LEAST $20 BUCKS… Which is a lot from STINGY ASS MANHATTANITES… SO After getting him money and sitting down, AN ASIAN WOMAN walks into our train car selling, DOLLA-BATTERIES, DOLLA-CRAZY GLUE and DOLLA-PUPPETS… TELL ME WHY DID THE HOMELESS AND HUNGRY MAN BUY TWO PUPPETS WITH THE MONEY HE JUST COLLECTED?!?!?!?! WHY!?!?!?! and had the nerve to sit there an play with his newly purchased puppets after begging for money so he could eat…! If you could SEE THE FACES OF THE PEOPLE ON THE TRAIN!!! PRICELESS! A few people asked for their dollar back before they got off the train…

Reason #5…
Because I was on the 1 train in the middle of the day, when a CHRISTIAN FOLK BAND got on the train and began to sing ‘Jesus loves you,’ and ‘come to Christ’ songs and after about three stops, an old man with a Yamaka on his head gets up and STARTS CURSING OUT the Christian folk singing band and they keep STRUMMING ON THEIR BANJOS AND BANGING ON THEIR TAMBOURINES and the old Jewish guy is getting madder and madder yelling things like, “What makes you think I want you forcing me to listen to this crap!” and “Do you think I woke up this morning hoping to be on a train with you nut cases!” I mean, HE WAS GOING OFF and then he hopped off on the next stop and the BAND PLAYED ON…

The one time in life where I was in a train car alone